Nikita Raje is an advocate from Pune. In recent years, India has registered uncountable rape cases. The issue was always deeply rooted in our society. Now it is coming out with so many girls speaking about child abuse. And why not? They have a right to express, the right to move on in their life, the right to forgetting what happened, right to start a new life.
Nikita Raje is one such woman who has been a victim of this horrible crime. Despite tolerating it for many years, she dared to come out and take a stand against it. Only a few girls dare to come over these incidents. We are proud to host Nikita on our platform to share her story of child abuse in her own words.
Nikita Raje – Her Story
I am from Mumbai but was born and brought up in Nasik, Aurangabad, Bangalore, and now Pune. My story starts from my childhood. From that age, I didn’t even understand the meaning of molestation, child abuse, and sexual abuse or rape.
The first time, I remember it happened in my dad’s office. I was merely seven or eight years old, and he was my dad’s colleague, his friend. I was playing in the office and got thirsty. That day when he took me to drink water, he took me up in his arms and made me sit on his lap. Everything was fine at that time. I didn’t know what was happening.
He touched my breasts, and I closed my eyes. I couldn’t react. Then when I didn’t react, he squeezed them and kissed me. He left me when he felt satisfied, I think. I didn’t scream or even understand what had happened to me. I thought he was playing with me. So I went away silently and didn’t talk about it to anyone.
The second time it happened, we were in our car. I wanted to sleep, and he took me in his arms yet again and said, ‘You can put your head on my lap.’ Then he covered me with the shawl and felt me again. My parents were also present, but they had no idea the man they considered a dear friend was a pedophile.
Now, when I look back at the incident, I can feel anger bubbling in my chest. I would have opposed it if I knew anything. This incident led to another one that shook my life completely. Till now, it hasn’t returned to normalcy.
For a while, things were okay. Then a driver was hired by us. My family used to trust him a lot because he’d help them in many ways. He’d wash the car and do other chores to impress my father.
That day, we were in Pune collecting the death certificate of my grandmother. I remember that moment, crystal. I was sitting in the back seat when he tried to touch me. It was mild, so I thought maybe I was mistaken about it, and he had no wrong intentions, but I was utterly wrong.
He continued to do it for the next 14 years. He’d take advantage of me whenever we were alone, or he dropped me anywhere. He attached everything with love stating that ‘He loves me and it’s his way of expressing love.’
He has touched me, groped me, kissed me, showed me porn, showed me his private parts, made me touch them, touched mine, tried to do penile penetration, recorded him and me while he was touching me, and much more. It has happened numerous times over these years that I have lost count. It has happened at home, in the car, in parking lots, etc. Whenever he has a chance, he uses it to satisfy himself.
Sometimes I threatened him by saying, ‘I will tell everyone, but he used to say that people will blame me in reply. No one is going to believe my words because I didn’t speak up before.’ I’d back out thinking it’s too late to reveal anything. I was afraid of everyone’s reaction. What if they blame me for seducing him? Or for not telling them before? When it started, I was a little girl he manipulated, but I could have revealed it later. I didn’t dare to do it.
The abuse went on for 14 years until I told my friends. They motivated me to come out and speak about it. Before speaking, I disassociated a lot as I had never said anything to anyone even after realizing everything. He enjoyed my state, whereas I hid it from my parents and the rest of the world. Nobody knew that he was raping me.
It was tough for me to say it loudly, but somehow I managed to speak about it to my parents. Now, they know what I went through. I’m not in connection with him anymore. For my betterment, my parents sent me for therapy.
It helped a lot in opening the memories that I had blocked in my mind. The therapy taught me, ‘An unresolved past never really goes away until you find the courage to revisit all the pain and accept that there’s nothing you can do to change the past. What’s happened has happened, and what’s done is done. I have no option but to move on from it. Forgetting things is the only option and sharing my pain, speaking about it is the key to moving on.
In mid-2019, I got rid of that man. His wife knows everything, but she didn’t do anything to make it better for me. People questioned my silence and asked me why I didn’t reveal it before, but sometimes it takes years to come out of the trauma. The one who lives in constant fear can understand my plight. I didn’t know how to tell because I was scared of being blamed. It isn’t very easy to face these incidents, especially for children. They have no idea of it.
That’s what our society teaches girls, right? To stay calm, to tolerate, to dress modestly. There is nothing regarding sexual harassment or child abuse. They don’t teach us how to fight back. Instead, they blame the victim more than the culprit. It took years of therapy to realize that I was abused and to discuss it with everyone.
People tell me to file a case against him for child abuse. Otherwise, he would do it with someone else. But I work as a criminal advocate, and I know the process. It will take ten more years of my life to fight the case, and there are chances that nothing reasonable will come out. I’ve no valid proof against him, and I don’t want to put myself through it again. I have seen it happening with others.
I want to move on. Going back there would be painful and excruciating. I’m satisfied that he is out of my life, and it’s enough for me.
I want to tell you all that let the girl decide what she wants to do and please support her. The most important message is that someone is coming up to you to speak. Be empathetic to them and give some time. Tell them to move on and choose happiness over pain.
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